March 2006

I realized in 1980, in the sixth grade, that everyone else around me was having a life that was equally as complex as my own. I wonder at what age most children realize this? I thought it would be earlier than 12. For me, that was when I can remember sitting in my room, and thinking about how (insert some fellow students name here) was feeling at that moment, simultaneously as I sat in my room. And thinking about how everyone, millions and millions of people, were having a life while I was… and this just blew my mind. The sheer volume of human thinking and experience. I tried to tell my father’s friend of my discovery. He praised me for some reason, but I couldn’t gauge where he was at in this idea (did he have the same thoughts?).
This realization led to my wondering, “Why am I Chad May, born to these parents, and not Todd Erickson?” Todd was a friend of mine. “Since everyone is having an equally aware presence, then why is my awareness that of the boy that is Chad May?” And I thought about this, and thought about this, and was totally obsessed with this question for three days. I remember sitting in my classroom and staring at the smooth, painted cinder block walls, and just blanking-out and thinking about this. And after 3 days, while staring at the wall, the answer came to me!
The reason I am Chad May, and not someone elses’ identity, is because… the question is invalid. Because, really, I am Chad May, and I am also everyone else! This hit me like a ton of lead. In a flash, I realized that it is only my body that creates the illusion of separatedness. I was elated and twisted at this moment. And the realization left me in almost the same instant I grasped it. But, frantically, I began again to think; think back through the logic that had taken me 3 days to create… and it took a few hours, and then Bang! I got it again! I could hang-on to the realization a little longer this time… but it went away, and I spent some days – I don’t know how many – recreating this realization. Everytime I got the “a-ha” it convinced me more that what I was experiencing was Truth with a capital “T”. I think, I’m not sure now, but I think I tried telling my Father of my discovery. Poor Dad. He is a patient man. I think it was soon after that I became aware that I was “reading the minds” of a few people in my class. Or so it seemed. Certainly, some mental barrier had been penetrated that Spring. I took to talking to Susy ??? as though she could hear my thoughts… and of course she was not conscious of this, and it spooked her. I didn’t realize at the time that I was upsetting her. And then when I did, I didn’t realize that she was not thrilled at the idea of talking about perceptions in real time. I’m not doing a very good job of describing this at the moment, even though I have clear memories of how it felt. She became very scared of me… and I felt horribly guilty when the teacher told me that somehow I was saying things upsetting to her. So I stopped talking to her. And I tried for years to make-up for it, but it seemed that the more I tried to show her that “I’m ok, you’re ok” that it only made things worse. Even in the Eighth grade, she still was spooked by me. Ouch. It is uncomfortable to even write about this. It sounds very stalker-esque, doesn’t it? Ok, I was only in the 6th grade, and coping with a very unusual incarnation. Yes, incarnation. I think this is the best way to put it. I had already decided that I must have lived before, because that’s how I felt. I told my mother about this… she was actually accepting.
So, really, the whole point of writing this is to document how it came to be that I experienced myself as being everyone and me at the same time… from a standpoint of logic, not just emotion. I don’t think I’ve told more than 4 people this story in my whole life.
“But wait, there’s more!” I think most of my writing this is because I fear that all these experiences could be forgotten. And I believe them to be too important for simple vanishing into history. Maybe my boys, and their children, will be glad to know where they came from?

– Chad May March 15, 2006 Age 37

is like chemotherapy. It isn’t something you would ever wish upon anyone. And it is kinda a last resort, in how you relate to your fellow humans. Funny, my therapist keeps extolling its healing qualities. Does that mean I have cancer?

Celibacy is like chemotherapy because although it can make you feel very, very ill, it can also be the only thing within reach to heal you. It makes you feel like your dieing, but you hope to be reborn. I’ve never had chemotherapy, but I’ve had lots of celibacy. And I hope I haven’t offended anyone who has had chemotherapy?

I believe that sex, with another human, is truly a need. But so is water, except when you have internal injuries (or so it seems in the movies). I recently heard that a study was done that shows men have elevated testosterone after having sex with a woman, but not after masturbating. I knew it! Hah!

So not having sex is bad for you. And having sex with someone, under certain circumstances, is bad for you. Somehow, I think there are indigenous tribes where they just don’t have these problems. What went wrong?

Maybe there is much more wisdom to this question in the works of Wilhelm Reich. Since I’m not likely to read his books anytime soon, I’ll have to absorb his ideas by proxy when I meet someone who read and understood him.
Kate Bush dedicated an album to Wilhelm Reich – “Cloudbusting”.

Can’t we all just get along? Naked? 🙂

– Chad

What is it with the mixing of sexual passion and violence?

I posit the following:
I think that men have an instinct to hurt their lover, physically, during sex, because it is a hold-over from our animal instincts.
By copulating forcefully enough, a male can assure that the female will be too hurt to copulate with another male. This makes his sperm the last ones in, and the more likely to actually fertilize the egg.

Monkeys use the technique of trying to be the last to ejaculate. They cue in line, and as soon as they ejaculate, they get back in line. The last to ejaculate is most likely to be the father! So the quicker he ejaculates, the quicker he can get back in line! Poor little female monkeys, right??? I can hear some woman thinking to herself, “So it wasn’t a man I was sleeping with, it was really a monkey!” Now now!

Ok, why am I even thinking about this? Well, I hate to be the one to tell everyone, but I have come to the conclusion that men have an instinct that is violent in sex. Some are more in touch with it than others… and of course it is more a symbolic expression than real, unless some mental illness prevails. But still, I can’t help but be aware that sex has this element to it… the “Fuck Me Baby Effect”. But why? What purpose, in terms of animal evolution, could it serve? I think I denied it when I was younger. The older I get, and the more honest I am about my sexuality, the more I realize this. And in talking to other Men, I think I spot it in them too. If you are a “nice guy” and you are fairly self-observant, you can’t help but feel this passionate, wild, driving force when you are with a woman. Yes, while you are consumating the most intimate and tender and spiritual aspects of your Union… maybe with someone you would rather die for than see harmed… it is such dichotomy. And no one talks about it, except maybe the BDSM folks; and they are probably adding another dimension to it.
So is a woman, when she submits to a man’s vigorous thrusting, essentialling saying, “You are the One” ; “I want to bear your children” ; “Take me, I am yours” Reminds me of the finality of mutual suicide, when 2 people ensure that they will be each other’s last mortal experience. I hope I’m not creeping you out with this? It is curiosity here, not some fetish of mine.
To prove that sex is intertwined with violence, consider this:
Both men and women are capable of climaxing without anything rigorous or even that physically strenuous. How does that sound to you? Kinda boring, huh? See my point?
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, and couldn’t find the right time. I’m not at my “writing best” at the moment, so I might revise this sometime when I’m feeling more articulate. I invite your comments and ideas.