I realized in 1980, in the sixth grade, that everyone else around me was having a life that was equally as complex as my own. I wonder at what age most children realize this? I thought it would be earlier than 12. For me, that was when I can remember sitting in my room, and thinking about how (insert some fellow students name here) was feeling at that moment, simultaneously as I sat in my room. And thinking about how everyone, millions and millions of people, were having a life while I was… and this just blew my mind. The sheer volume of human thinking and experience. I tried to tell my father’s friend of my discovery. He praised me for some reason, but I couldn’t gauge where he was at in this idea (did he have the same thoughts?).
This realization led to my wondering, “Why am I Chad May, born to these parents, and not Todd Erickson?” Todd was a friend of mine. “Since everyone is having an equally aware presence, then why is my awareness that of the boy that is Chad May?” And I thought about this, and thought about this, and was totally obsessed with this question for three days. I remember sitting in my classroom and staring at the smooth, painted cinder block walls, and just blanking-out and thinking about this. And after 3 days, while staring at the wall, the answer came to me!
The reason I am Chad May, and not someone elses’ identity, is because… the question is invalid. Because, really, I am Chad May, and I am also everyone else! This hit me like a ton of lead. In a flash, I realized that it is only my body that creates the illusion of separatedness. I was elated and twisted at this moment. And the realization left me in almost the same instant I grasped it. But, frantically, I began again to think; think back through the logic that had taken me 3 days to create… and it took a few hours, and then Bang! I got it again! I could hang-on to the realization a little longer this time… but it went away, and I spent some days – I don’t know how many – recreating this realization. Everytime I got the “a-ha” it convinced me more that what I was experiencing was Truth with a capital “T”. I think, I’m not sure now, but I think I tried telling my Father of my discovery. Poor Dad. He is a patient man. I think it was soon after that I became aware that I was “reading the minds” of a few people in my class. Or so it seemed. Certainly, some mental barrier had been penetrated that Spring. I took to talking to Susy ??? as though she could hear my thoughts… and of course she was not conscious of this, and it spooked her. I didn’t realize at the time that I was upsetting her. And then when I did, I didn’t realize that she was not thrilled at the idea of talking about perceptions in real time. I’m not doing a very good job of describing this at the moment, even though I have clear memories of how it felt. She became very scared of me… and I felt horribly guilty when the teacher told me that somehow I was saying things upsetting to her. So I stopped talking to her. And I tried for years to make-up for it, but it seemed that the more I tried to show her that “I’m ok, you’re ok” that it only made things worse. Even in the Eighth grade, she still was spooked by me. Ouch. It is uncomfortable to even write about this. It sounds very stalker-esque, doesn’t it? Ok, I was only in the 6th grade, and coping with a very unusual incarnation. Yes, incarnation. I think this is the best way to put it. I had already decided that I must have lived before, because that’s how I felt. I told my mother about this… she was actually accepting.
So, really, the whole point of writing this is to document how it came to be that I experienced myself as being everyone and me at the same time… from a standpoint of logic, not just emotion. I don’t think I’ve told more than 4 people this story in my whole life.
“But wait, there’s more!” I think most of my writing this is because I fear that all these experiences could be forgotten. And I believe them to be too important for simple vanishing into history. Maybe my boys, and their children, will be glad to know where they came from?

– Chad May March 15, 2006 Age 37