Tue 22 Nov 2005
Those horrible codependent feelings. You know, the ones you have with someone. Or at least had.
Let me validate you a little bit.
The fact that we, as humans, can love broken people… and keep on loving them… and love them more, even when we almost kill ourselves in the process…
HOW TOTALLY BEAUTIFUL!!!!!
I think we are admired thoughout the Universe for this. Can you imagine what we would be like if everyone was somehow “too smart” to try to love a broken person? So, then, who’s to say how much – or how far you should go – to love a broken person? Is there something so much more valuable and lasting for us to do as humans with our time and energy?
Of course, eventually, you get enough of it, and you make the decision to cut that person off. And there is no right or wrong time to do it. You must be happy with how hard you tried, because you will wonder if you tried hard enough. The chances are low… very low… that your love will help the person heal. But it does happen. Rarely. But it does.
Perhaps seeing your love for someone be the rare case of helping such a person, actually makes you think your success might somehow be repeatable. Oops! Kinda like playing the lottery, isn’t it?
Never love a broken person in hopes of having them in your life… not because it isn’t possible for them to become whole. But, because when they do become whole, they will be a different person than the one you fell in love with. Broken – they are someone from their past life, and maybe that is why you feel so strongly for them. Whole – and they become the person they shoud have been all-along, and usually not someone matched to you.
You know, there is a paradox of sorts: Broken people will never heal until they both want to, and someone helps them. But, broken people will never want to heal until they have hurt some number of people who love them. So, we love broken people, and hope that we will be the one in whose time they choose to heal. And of course, some never heal. I can say that the only *real* reason why people heal, is not to be happier or more serene, but to be able to benefit others. Broken people are so amused and entertained by their own drama, that they won’t remove themselves from their drama unless somewhere, deep down inside themselves, they get a bigger kick out of helping other people. That’s my take on the subject.
– Chad
January 3rd, 2006 at 9:37 pm
Chad,
I love reading this article. What constitutes broken? How broke is unrepairable? Is there a human Humpty Dumpty is us all? Are there any of us UNbroken? Why is broken so in need to be fixed?
You advise to never love a person in hopes of having them in your life. I agree that healing changes people in a profound way. I disagree that they would become someone unsuited to you unless it is not truely them that you loved and needed to heal to begin with. Maybe it changes the healer who moves on seeking other cracked eggs. I believe there are broken people who would never have the ability to break themselves away from something so incredibly empowering. I think it is more the broken person who must worry they could fall in love so deeply with the healer that if fixed, the healer would lose interest.
One thing I feel VERY certain of , I personally would spend my last breath creating peace and empowering serenity in the soul of the one who healed me. All humans are a contradiction in ideas. Just as the Earth spins so does the human mind. I don’t fear my contradictions. I embrace them. I am well aware of the love I am capable of and I am more than ready for the undertaking. There is such a beaty in making bad choices sometimes. Not a free pass to hurt people (including ourselves!)
While I am excited for me, I am so much more excited for the one who is loved by me. I love the wisdom my soul has reached at this point and my deepth of giving without limits. I would give a kidney to a stranger in need and never need acknowledgement. The depth of love I would give to the one who wins my heart at this point of enlightenment…..without measure
March 2nd, 2006 at 11:28 pm
I must say, you put into words what I have tried to express many times, perfectly. My experiences with trying to love the broken one taught me two things, how to fix my self and to understand that the other person can only fix themselves when they choose to recognize their issues. I could not see how broken I was until I wanted to see it, so how could someone else fix me if I did not see a problem in myself?
Knowing how different I am now than I was say, two years ago, I have mixed emotions about the results of loving someone broken. In my last relationship, we were both broken. We leaned on each other to fill the hole’s in our souls and in the process made things worse for both of us. We loved each other very much, but we hurt each other even more just to get through the day. One day, I saw that. I saw the co-dependancy, replaying of the same relationship issues, emptiness inside myself that I had felt most of my adult life. I asked the question then forced myself to look deeper and figure out why did I do this? I spent the next two years learning who I was. I also learned to love the person I found. I changed, a lot. The more secure about myself I felt, the more insecure about himself he felt. I finally had to let him go. So, can you love the one who fixes you? Yes, because that person is most likely you. Can you stay with someone broken? I think that depends on how broken they are and if they are open to change. I was drawn to him because I saw myself when I looked at his pain. I still have empathy for the pain he feels, but I also see it was very self destructive. Am I selfish because I do not want to feel that way anymore? How long do you try to help someone else before you have to let them help themselves? How do you know if they are sincere in wanting to help themselves?
I made my choice and walked away. I choose to do one of two things now, either stay single and happy the way I am today, or let someone in for a healthy relationship if I find him. I am not going to mend this part of the world anymore. It’s time for me to focus on other issues in life before it is too late.
March 7th, 2006 at 6:25 am
I enjoyed reading this and reflected deeply into my past. Some of us are healers doing as best we can with the ‘broken’. I must put into context ,though, that we are all broken at some point in our lives. But healing must begin with the soul. It must come from within. It can only be done by one’s self but with the help of healers to point out what one’s mind carries out in denial. We are a trinity of body, mind and soul. Heal the soul, open the mind, respect the body…These things are what lead to becoming whole. I believe that loving a broken person begins with loving one’s self. I believe that loving a broken person builds strength and character in both people and that we become better people, not really different people. In my culture I am Shaman/Druidess/Healer and over the years I’ve been ‘broken’ many times but I feel there is ne’er a ralationship I’ve ever had that ended without both parties walking away as better people, each taking, if only, a minute fragment of the other with them. The pain of ‘my brokeness’ has been the ‘salve’ of healing for many I have known in my life and I know I am a better, more complete person for loving them.
March 7th, 2006 at 9:19 pm
Well said Tre!