Thu 2 Mar 2006
What is it with the mixing of sexual passion and violence?
I posit the following:
I think that men have an instinct to hurt their lover, physically, during sex, because it is a hold-over from our animal instincts.
By copulating forcefully enough, a male can assure that the female will be too hurt to copulate with another male. This makes his sperm the last ones in, and the more likely to actually fertilize the egg.
Monkeys use the technique of trying to be the last to ejaculate. They cue in line, and as soon as they ejaculate, they get back in line. The last to ejaculate is most likely to be the father! So the quicker he ejaculates, the quicker he can get back in line! Poor little female monkeys, right??? I can hear some woman thinking to herself, “So it wasn’t a man I was sleeping with, it was really a monkey!” Now now!
Ok, why am I even thinking about this? Well, I hate to be the one to tell everyone, but I have come to the conclusion that men have an instinct that is violent in sex. Some are more in touch with it than others… and of course it is more a symbolic expression than real, unless some mental illness prevails. But still, I can’t help but be aware that sex has this element to it… the “Fuck Me Baby Effect”. But why? What purpose, in terms of animal evolution, could it serve? I think I denied it when I was younger. The older I get, and the more honest I am about my sexuality, the more I realize this. And in talking to other Men, I think I spot it in them too. If you are a “nice guy” and you are fairly self-observant, you can’t help but feel this passionate, wild, driving force when you are with a woman. Yes, while you are consumating the most intimate and tender and spiritual aspects of your Union… maybe with someone you would rather die for than see harmed… it is such dichotomy. And no one talks about it, except maybe the BDSM folks; and they are probably adding another dimension to it.
So is a woman, when she submits to a man’s vigorous thrusting, essentialling saying, “You are the One” ; “I want to bear your children” ; “Take me, I am yours” Reminds me of the finality of mutual suicide, when 2 people ensure that they will be each other’s last mortal experience. I hope I’m not creeping you out with this? It is curiosity here, not some fetish of mine.
To prove that sex is intertwined with violence, consider this:
Both men and women are capable of climaxing without anything rigorous or even that physically strenuous. How does that sound to you? Kinda boring, huh? See my point?
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while, and couldn’t find the right time. I’m not at my “writing best” at the moment, so I might revise this sometime when I’m feeling more articulate. I invite your comments and ideas.
March 2nd, 2006 at 9:07 pm
ok…so fuck me baby!
March 6th, 2006 at 12:50 pm
Hi there oh wise one,
I actually came across your profile on myspace through a certain Cynthia and so I have been linked to this…I have to say, I can dig it deeply. Let me give you this one womans perspective on violent sex. I like it. Does this make me a freak…well in some circles, I suppose it does but in most, I would say not. I like a good hard encounter as much as the next. I like the animalistic thrust that says…”We are one and we are fucking for humanities sake damnit”…Ok maybe that’s not the intent but that’s what it feels like for me. I am sure it is primal but I like it just the same. I could go easy but I choose not to, as it doesn’t do it for me. I think in the grand scheme of things it is what it is…what we each like and don’t that makes the sex act so unique. Some like it standing up, some laying down…either way its the good old fashioned “fucking” that makes the world go round.
Bestest,
Misty
March 14th, 2006 at 10:08 am
This is so interesting, because I’ve had both experiences. I mean the, “oh yeah, fuck me i love you oh god” experience, AND the tantric hardly-moving one. And I hate to sound like I’m toeing some kind of new age line here, but the tantric one was probably the most mind blowing sexual experience I have ever had.
(I can’t BELIEVE I’m posting this online, but what the hell.)
I had been reading ‘The Heart of Tantric Sex’ by Diana Richardson, which basically says when you (I mean me, the woman) most want to tense up, instead you relax all the bits that want to contract (as it were). Also you breathe deeply, look at your lover, and focus on your heart. Now all that sounds pretty technical and heady but actually it wasn’t.
And it was amazing. I mean AMAZING. We completely stopped moving. Both of us were breathing in sync, and I have never felt so open to someone else–sexually and it was like my HEART had the orgasm (and believe me I am not prone to such flowery language, or experience for that matter).
And it wasn’t like we were desperately in love either–he was more of a friend. It was the practise that made the difference.
So ever since then I’ve been thinking, well, I ought to seriously suggest the old tantric thing to my next lover…
Maybe it’s one or the other that works, but not any romantic simpering in between! (God, I just had to go and ruin the mood, didn’t I?)
March 14th, 2006 at 10:43 am
This is what I like about this whole idea… it seems to make people think about something that is so unexpressed. Like when, in 1994, I was in an “encounter group” where we were suppossed to learn about how other people perceived one another. It was a very informative group… and I learned volumes about myself and others. And I learned of the deep taboo of orgasm. I suggested one night, that we discuss how orgasms felt. Well, it was as if I had just suggested we go molest helpless little woodland creatures… no one even responded to the idea; as if it had not even been uttered. Did these people have orgasms even? Who knows? This was Nashville, I remind you.
The “heartgasm” Rachael mentioned… yes, I stumbled upon this exactly as she described with my dear German girlfriend Grit. Oh the love One can make when you have only the two of you, pizza delivery, no kids, and the energy of your 20’s! Well, if you know what you are doing, I suppose it would be easier to duplicate. For me, a heartgasm is a feeling like a cool stream of water flowing from my chest; first up my spine, then takes a 90-degree turn and out my chest. I can do it solo more reliably than with a woman. It does feel like dieing, too. A kinda “What’s in your heart today, Chad?”.
I’ve seen video footage of people having tantric sex, without penetration or even being nude, and it becomes somewhat violent at some point. This is puzzling. I guess its more vegetable soup, than tomatoe gazspacho. And I don’t know exactly why the experience doesn’t seem to happen with everyone. I don’t value a sexual encounter any less when it isn’t tantric. The true value is the experience of another human, not what they do and what does or doesn’t happen.
I think orgasms are particularly important to men because it is only post-orgasmically that men can honestly experience their connection to a woman. That will be the subject of another post.
Thank you to all who are responding to this. I, for one, appreciate it. I bet Nancy Friday would, too.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:39 am
I believe the viloence comes from the inherent frustration of wanting something you are almost experiencing, but not quite… i.e., penetration. It is the light at the end of the tunnel, this penetration, this visible, tangible, yet impalpable thing. I’ve experienced the animalistic “Fuck me now”, mostly when my hormones are fluctuating, which are still a mystery to me… and although I know it’s directly related to child-bearing, I can’t psyche myself out by saying “self, I don’t want more children.” Why do I still want sex, if I don’t want more children ( to speak scientifically)?
For men, the taking of a woman violently is much like (pardon this expression) pissing on a tree. Marking their territory. Showing the other males their strength and virility. Men forget in today’s times, however, that just being a hot guy that can get laid a lot by no means makes him a man worthy of spawning the next generation.
I myself find my thoughts wandering and fantasizing about some cute guy that I say I won’t sleep with (for fear of being labeled a whore), secretly wishing he would ignore my words and read my body language. Does that sound fucked up? Probably is, but then again, you broached the topic! lol
As far as Tantric sex (which I’ve become VERY fond of), the thing that adds more frustration, more wanting and ultimately, more violent actions, is that no one but you is in charge of the ‘not having’. Something sick and sublime about denying yourself something you know you want, and could so easily have. Instead of fighting each other, we become violent in fighting ourselves, our desires. Or, is it the higher knowing of once you’ve reached the light, the arousal ceases, and therefore ceases the high? We want the release, but want to hold out as long as possible, to hang on to the longing moment. But we are human(to say that is to say nothing), and the end result is not one of a spiritual high, but of a physical release, which feels similar, but is a poor substitute. So by denying ourselves and tempting our most violent side, somehow we are closer to a higher consciousness… hmmm… fits right in with my propensity to deny myself all that I’m capable of having! lol